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Winds From The Sea by Andrew Wyeth by Irina at Flickr | Creative Commons License Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0)

Owning My Own Air

I say "We're not done 'til we're done." a lot about repetitive patterns or cycles we do, though we are trying to stop the chain. What I mean is that we can continue to stop, and should keep trying to stop, but until we get to the place of wanting to be stopped more than we want the pattern, they will always be stops, never ends. Each stop lets us know where we stand in that process. By that same token, "We're not ready 'til we're ready." is the same idea. Memories, Moments of Clarity, our People within, come to us when ...

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Floating above Water {GIF} by Caught-Ina-Hurricane | ©2012-2015 Caught-Ina-Hurricane


Giving up can be a release. I surrender. I surrender to the other people in my life and their patterns. I surrender to my patterns. I surrender to my illnesses. I surrender to loss. I surrender to alone-ness. I surrender to freeze outs, the never ending freeze outs, the eternal freeze outs, the all-encompassing freeze outs. I surrender to disingenuousness, mine and others, aware and unaware. I surrender to self-centeredness, mine and others. I surrender to character defects, mine and others. I am laying down and letting the tides just take me where they will, doing the dead man's float and turning ...

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Broken self-portrait by John Lee Maverick | Creative Commons License Attribution-NoDerivs 2.0 Generic (CC BY-ND 2.0)

Tearing the Cleaved Heart

    She talked me into keeping some of my hair. My sister Laura, that is, said as she nervously took the clippers to it that she didn't want to get up in the morning and be in trouble with me. I wanted it shorn off with the clippers completely. I can always take off more. The doctor ordered antibiotics for my poison sumac (the big guns, too) as parts have gotten infected, another round of Prednisone, a local neurologist and more kidney testing. I don't feel like doing any of it. All I want it to talk to Sky. I can't have that ...

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Starry, Starry Night (Re-written)

"I mean, you do realize that you are not a good person because you pity fuck the sick girl, right?" ~ Maggie Murdock,  Love and Other Drugs That's a great flick that I'll never admit I like and I wish I could watch it all the way through and not just in pieces. It's too true and too much of a lie. It's too achingly real and too frighteningly hopefully and unrealistic at the end and full of shit and pisses me off. I hate them for making it, but I secretly look for it and watch it in small, furtive ...

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"Lutin by godo" by godo - Own work. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons.

Mental Illness; The Scapegoat Label

When are messy human emotions, thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, frailties and chinks in our armor or character, normal and when is it a sign of mental illness? I just read an article outlining the dark behavior of trolls and their hallmarks of behavior and mental illness by a conglomerate of people whose focus is to make the internet safe for children, companies, and individuals. It was a long, long list of named types of internet trolls with often humorous indicators and names for their negative behaviors. I won't give the link as I love the site, their mission, and goal. My strategy ...

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The Isolation of Pain and The Pain of Isolation

The kidneys and the mystery pain by the pancreas have been screaming again for a week. It starts out slow and grows steadily until it's a full on inescapably a burning glowing hot coal that fuses as one. I watch my pain level since my bar is set high. When I suddenly arrive at the "God damned m****r f*****g **** s******g son of a bitch someone cut these out of me right now." level, it's time for pain and anxiety medication, I've waited too long. The day for Afinitor can't come soon enough some moments. I'm sure I've lost a few readers ...

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By Vânia Raposo at Pixabay. Creative Commons Deed CC0.

It's Too Soon, It's Not Fair, But It's Not Too Late

I didn't know the kid, this was the first time reading his full story and yet I was crying over his death. Zac Pogliano wasn't a superstar, he struggled to get through his life with schizophrenia and his mother walked right along side him. But I knew him instinctively because he is one of my people. I don't know how he died, but it's too soon. I know him without knowing him. He could be one of my friends. Like Art* who was afraid of his blood pressure medicine so he had a stroke, almost dying, which placed him in a nursing ...

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By  PDPics ~  < a href = " http://creativecommons.org/publicdomain/zero/1.0/deed.en    "> CC0 Public Domain

The Winds of The Storm

It's been a pretty shitty week. Dealing with mental illness blows, dealing with others mental illnesses on top of it, blows gale force winds. The hard part about being the loved one of someone with a mental illness and being someone with a mental illness is you spend a lot of time in an emotional girdle because you're proving to the world that you can do this caregiver thing better than the average bear because you get it. You've been there so you know this walk. It doesn't matter if it's two am and you're bawling silently as the love of ...

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A Beautiful, Tangled Mess

 After getting up at six a.m., I'm starting to write, finally, at nine at night. My bed was made, maybe, twice in two months. I'm barely keeping up with scheduled appointments and paperwork is both getting lost and either barely getting done in time or not at all.Strattera was added back into my medication regime almost four weeks ago and my scattered head is starting to clear up some. Not all the disorganized thinking is A.D.H.D., some is neurological, some is  avoidance and depression, some is just normal crap. The inability to hierarchy or organize information is A.D.H.D. for me, ...

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Better Living Through Chemistry

The Jersey shore Cape's winds are finally showing themselves and their glory. They cut through your clothing as a sharp knife, leaving you feeling exposed. Ridiculous and unfashionable layering is the only way to keep from having a nipple or gonad freeze, snap off and roll around in some public area causing you to scramble around chasing it to keep from losing it. The wind is what gets us out here, the Atlantic ocean and Delaware bay gusts beating the peninsula from three sides.In other words, it's cold as a witches left tit out there.I always wondered why the right ...

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Mairzy Doats ... The Lambs and The Goats of Mental Illness Today

"Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy diveyA kiddley divey too, Wouldn't you?" ~ by Milton Drake, Al Hoffman and Jerry Livingston Art* had a stroke and is in rehab. I was so upset when I heard the news. He must be so confused and afraid. I know the staff at the nursing home, they aren't ready for Art. I prayed hard that someone understood someone as reality-compromised and unique as he. Art has schizophrenia and I know him from The Back of The Vegetable Drawer. He is one of my tribe, my army.Art* is a musician who carries his ...

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Clarity, Acceptance and Unconciousness in the O.R.

Clarity, Acceptance and Unconciousness in the O.R.

Panic. It's comes at the oddest of times and the strangest of trip wires sometimes. The common everyday props or actions suddenly aren't, and we have to struggle to regain our footing. Many times we need help.There's been a lot of work with D.B.T. ( developed by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., ABPP ), outside of its exclusive fitting for Borderline Personality Disorder and suicidal connectivity, self harm or cutting, for which it was originally designed, and now is being used in so many other areas. We share so many traits, we are not so unique. Personally, I feel this is a ...

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Beating People With Sunshine

Riding the 552 yesterday and thinking, like I often do because I'm usually next to someone smelly and it's my only escape, I realized my circles are mostly sick people or people with sick family members now. I'm very lucky to have these people in my life, even if only online. I've learned about myself, the world, how to be a better friend, patient, support person ... well, an all around person, actually. Most healthy, able-bodied people never see me as an illness, they see Christal, Chrissy. My friends and family talk to me about their lives, their triumphs without me ...

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Someone Has To Like Me Best

Writing on the desktop seems oddly massive to my eyes. I've grown used to the hiccups of the Bluetooth keyboard on the Lilliputian-like tablet. Everything seems slightly off-balance anyway, so why not this, too?You know when your arms are too full and you're trying to balance on an escalator or an automatic floor walk? Trying to get and stay balanced is a study in comedy. You stay upright, but by the skin of your teeth.My heads hurting, buzzing as if a surge of ticcing is coming today so if I sound slightly static-y or as if I'm coming on and ...

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From the Panchatantra: Rabbit fools Elephant by showing the reflection of the moon

The work of art depicted in this image and the reproduction thereof are in the public domain worldwide. The reproduction is part of a collection of reproductions compiled by The Yorck Project. The compilation copyright is held by Zenodot Verlagsgesellschaft mbH and licensed under the GNU Free Documentation License.

How To Eat An Elephant

Sometimes the brain gets so many signals that, like a computer being given too many keystroke commands, it convulses then seizes up. I think panic is like that, in a sense. Adrenaline sends too many signals, too fast, to the brain and it overwhelms the animal; it doesn't know how to untangle it, it freezes. I think we do that in greater or lesser ways in elsewhere in our lives. Right now, it's eaking out as procrastination for me. No. Procrastination denotes laziness. It's simply massive confusion; not knowing which foot to place where next in an overwhelmingly intricate dance ...

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