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The Good in Recognizing Your Cognitive Dissonance

I haven't written in a long time. Tired and completely unsure of how to handle this place internally and in my life, I've floated and just worked on whatever came close to me. A whole fucking lot came close to me. I'm ready to talk some.   PSYCHOLOGY noun: cognitive dissonance the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change (Google) Cognitive dissonance causes psychic pain or discomfort and we all experience it, even those who feel their shit don't stink. That includes me. We all face it down at multiple times in our lives to varying degrees ...

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Satyrs revelling in a bacchanalian celebration. | 
Credit: Wellcome Library, London. Wellcome Images (on Flickr Wellcome Images )
Satyrs revelling in a bacchanalian celebration. Etching by A. Cioci, 1762, after A.D. Gabbiani.

Three satyrs eating, drinking and playing cymbals with a woman, putti, and a goat. Right, a herm of Pan or Dionysus and a tempietto.
1762 By: Anton Domenico ...

Fears, Demons, Love and a River of Tar

This has been a year of soul-searching; one of being faced with your own personal demons and made to deal with them. It wasn't just my own demons, per se. Much was my worst fears, those types of monkeys on my back. Fears realized, that seemed so far-fetched before, forcing you to get your shit together. You were the common denominator in these issues whether you're the cause, you're now the answer. Toss in a mid-life crisis, of no longer being a mom, wow, keep your shoes on. I loved being a mom. I just loved it. I hated being a poor ...

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891 Russian Literature by < a href = ""> Helder da Rocha on Flickr.  Creative Commons License Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Define Me

Russian literature has become a new fascination for me. It borders on obsession for some reason. I'm almost trying to stuff my head with as much as I can as if I'm running out of time, or have wasted time and trying to make up for what time I've squandered. I don't know why and almost feel there is no time to figure out the reasons. The degenerative bone disease in my back is more painful daily and the idea of seeing yet one more doctor is about as appealing as explosive diarrhea. Thank you Prednisone and Cushings, it's result. Luckily, being ...

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So, He Says To Me ...

First things first: I write about me, in the "I" or the "we" often here because this started out as a journal about my weight loss surgery. Then it split off as writing about mental health. My counselors and I thought it would do me good. It has, so if that makes me a whiner, a victim, a narcissist, so be it. Fuck it. maybe someone can relate and get something out of it. You wanna' talk about you, make a blog or jump the fuck in. That's why there's a comment section I keep trying to get people to ...

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Build It High

When it's time to build a brick wall, build it so high that history never existed. — Excitable Gurelle (@Christal_L) October 5, 2015

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Winds From The Sea by Andrew Wyeth by Irina at Flickr | Creative Commons License Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0)

Owning My Own Air

I say "We're not done 'til we're done." a lot about repetitive patterns or cycles we do, though we are trying to stop the chain. What I mean is that we can continue to stop, and should keep trying to stop, but until we get to the place of wanting to be stopped more than we want the pattern, they will always be stops, never ends. Each stop lets us know where we stand in that process. By that same token, "We're not ready 'til we're ready." is the same idea. Memories, Moments of Clarity, our People within, come to us when ...

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Floating above Water {GIF} by Caught-Ina-Hurricane | ©2012-2015 Caught-Ina-Hurricane


Giving up can be a release. I surrender. I surrender to the other people in my life and their patterns. I surrender to my patterns. I surrender to my illnesses. I surrender to loss. I surrender to alone-ness. I surrender to freeze outs, the never ending freeze outs, the eternal freeze outs, the all-encompassing freeze outs. I surrender to disingenuousness, mine and others, aware and unaware. I surrender to self-centeredness, mine and others. I surrender to character defects, mine and others. I am laying down and letting the tides just take me where they will, doing the dead man's float and turning ...

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Broken self-portrait by John Lee Maverick | Creative Commons License Attribution-NoDerivs 2.0 Generic (CC BY-ND 2.0)

Tearing the Cleaved Heart

    She talked me into keeping some of my hair. My sister Laura, that is, said as she nervously took the clippers to it that she didn't want to get up in the morning and be in trouble with me. I wanted it shorn off with the clippers completely. I can always take off more. The doctor ordered antibiotics for my poison sumac (the big guns, too) as parts have gotten infected, another round of Prednisone, a local neurologist and more kidney testing. I don't feel like doing any of it. All I want it to talk to Sky. I can't have that ...

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Starry, Starry Night (Re-written)

"I mean, you do realize that you are not a good person because you pity fuck the sick girl, right?" ~ Maggie Murdock,  Love and Other Drugs That's a great flick that I'll never admit I like and I wish I could watch it all the way through and not just in pieces. It's too true and too much of a lie. It's too achingly real and too frighteningly hopefully and unrealistic at the end and full of shit and pisses me off. I hate them for making it, but I secretly look for it and watch it in small, furtive ...

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"Lutin by godo" by godo - Own work. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons.

Mental Illness; The Scapegoat Label

When are messy human emotions, thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, frailties and chinks in our armor or character, normal and when is it a sign of mental illness? I just read an article outlining the dark behavior of trolls and their hallmarks of behavior and mental illness by a conglomerate of people whose focus is to make the internet safe for children, companies, and individuals. It was a long, long list of named types of internet trolls with often humorous indicators and names for their negative behaviors. I won't give the link as I love the site, their mission, and goal. My strategy ...

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The Isolation of Pain and The Pain of Isolation

The kidneys and the mystery pain by the pancreas have been screaming again for a week. It starts out slow and grows steadily until it's a full on inescapably a burning glowing hot coal that fuses as one. I watch my pain level since my bar is set high. When I suddenly arrive at the "God damned m****r f*****g **** s******g son of a bitch someone cut these out of me right now." level, it's time for pain and anxiety medication, I've waited too long. The day for Afinitor can't come soon enough some moments. I'm sure I've lost a few readers ...

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By Vânia Raposo at Pixabay. Creative Commons Deed CC0.

It's Too Soon, It's Not Fair, But It's Not Too Late

I didn't know the kid, this was the first time reading his full story and yet I was crying over his death. Zac Pogliano wasn't a superstar, he struggled to get through his life with schizophrenia and his mother walked right along side him. But I knew him instinctively because he is one of my people. I don't know how he died, but it's too soon. I know him without knowing him. He could be one of my friends. Like Art* who was afraid of his blood pressure medicine so he had a stroke, almost dying, which placed him in a nursing ...

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By  PDPics ~  < a href = "    "> CC0 Public Domain

The Winds of The Storm

It's been a pretty shitty week. Dealing with mental illness blows, dealing with others mental illnesses on top of it, blows gale force winds. The hard part about being the loved one of someone with a mental illness and being someone with a mental illness is you spend a lot of time in an emotional girdle because you're proving to the world that you can do this caregiver thing better than the average bear because you get it. You've been there so you know this walk. It doesn't matter if it's two am and you're bawling silently as the love of ...

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A Beautiful, Tangled Mess

 After getting up at six a.m., I'm starting to write, finally, at nine at night. My bed was made, maybe, twice in two months. I'm barely keeping up with scheduled appointments and paperwork is both getting lost and either barely getting done in time or not at all.Strattera was added back into my medication regime almost four weeks ago and my scattered head is starting to clear up some. Not all the disorganized thinking is A.D.H.D., some is neurological, some is  avoidance and depression, some is just normal crap. The inability to hierarchy or organize information is A.D.H.D. for me, ...

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Better Living Through Chemistry

The Jersey shore Cape's winds are finally showing themselves and their glory. They cut through your clothing as a sharp knife, leaving you feeling exposed. Ridiculous and unfashionable layering is the only way to keep from having a nipple or gonad freeze, snap off and roll around in some public area causing you to scramble around chasing it to keep from losing it. The wind is what gets us out here, the Atlantic ocean and Delaware bay gusts beating the peninsula from three sides.In other words, it's cold as a witches left tit out there.I always wondered why the right ...

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