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The Isolation of Pain and The Pain of Isolation

The kidneys and the mystery pain by the pancreas has been screaming again for a week. It starts out slow and grows steadily until it's a full on inescapably a burning glowing hot coal that fuses as one. I watch my pain level since my bar is set high. When I suddenly arrive at the "God damned m****r f*****g **** s******g son of a bitch someone cut these out of me right now." level, it's time for pain and anxiety medication, I've waited too long. The day for Afinitor can't come soon enough some moments. I'm sure I've lost a few readers right now. ...

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By Vânia Raposo at Pixabay. Creative Commons Deed CC0.

It's Too Soon, It's Not Fair, But It's Not Too Late

I didn't know the kid, this was the first time reading his full story and yet I was crying over his death. Zac Pogliano wasn't a superstar, he struggled to get through his life with schizophrenia and his mother walked right along side him. But I knew him instinctively because he is one of my people. I don't know how he died but it's too soon. I know him without knowing him. He could be one of my friends. Like Art* who was afraid of his blood pressure medicine so he had a stroke, almost dying, which placed him in a nursing home. ...

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By  PDPics ~  < a href = " http://creativecommons.org/publicdomain/zero/1.0/deed.en    "> CC0 Public Domain

The Winds of The Storm

It's been a pretty shitty week. Dealing with mental illness blows, dealing with others mental illnesses on top of it, blows gale force winds. The hard part about being the loved one of someone with a mental illness and being someone with a mental illness is you spend a lot of time in an emotional girdle because you're proving to the world that you can do this caregiver thing better than the average bear because you get it. You've been there so you know this walk. It doesn't matter if it's two am and you're bawling silently as the love of ...

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A Beautiful, Tangled Mess

  After getting up at six a.m., I'm starting to write, finally, at nine at night. My bed was made, maybe, twice in two months. I'm barely keeping up with scheduled appointments and paperwork is both getting lost and either barely getting done in time or not at all. Strattera was added back into my medication regime almost four weeks ago and my scattered head is starting to clear up some. Not all the disorganized thinking is A.D.H.D., some is neurological, some is  avoidance and depression, some is just normal crap. The inability to hierarchy or organize information is A.D.H.D. for me, ...

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Better Living Through Chemistry

The Jersey shore Cape's winds are finally showing themselves and their glory. They cut through your clothing as a sharp knife, leaving you feeling exposed. Ridiculous and unfashionable layering is the only way to keep from having a nipple or gonad freeze, snap off and roll around in some public area causing you to scramble around chasing it to keep from losing it. The wind is what gets us out here, the Atlantic ocean and Delaware bay gusts beating the peninsula from three sides. In other words, it's cold as a witches left tit out there. I always wondered why the right ...

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Mairzy Doats ... The Lambs and The Goats of Mental Illness Today

"Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy diveyA kiddley divey too, Wouldn't you?" ~ by Milton Drake, Al Hoffman and Jerry Livingston   Art* had a stroke and is in rehab. I was so upset when I heard the news. He must be so confused and afraid. I know the staff at the nursing home, they aren't ready for Art. I prayed hard that someone understood someone as reality-compromised and unique as he. Art has schizophrenia and I know him from The Back of The Vegetable Drawer. He is one of my tribe, my army. Art* is a musician who carries his ...

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Clarity, Acceptance and Unconciousness in the O.R.

Clarity, Acceptance and Unconciousness in the O.R.

Panic. It's comes at the oddest of times and the strangest of trip wires sometimes. The common everyday props or actions suddenly aren't, and we have to struggle to regain our footing. Many times we need help. There's been a lot of work with D.B.T. ( developed by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., ABPP ), outside of its exclusive fitting for Borderline Personality Disorder and suicidal connectivity, self harm or cutting, for which it was originally designed, and now is being used in so many other areas. We share so many traits, we are not so unique. Personally, I feel this is a ...

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Beating People With Sunshine

Riding the 552 yesterday and thinking, like I often do because I'm usually next to someone smelly and it's my only escape, I realized my circles are mostly sick people or people with sick family members now. I'm very lucky to have these people in my life, even if only online. I've learned about myself, the world, how to be a better friend, patient, support person ... well, an all around person, actually. Most healthy, able-bodied people never see me as an illness, they see Christal, Chrissy. My friends and family talk to me about their lives, their triumphs without me ...

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Someone Has To Like Me Best

Writing on the desktop seems oddly massive to my eyes. I've grown used to the hiccups of the Bluetooth keyboard on the Lilliputian-like tablet. Everything seems slightly off-balance anyway, so why not this, too? You know when your arms are too full and you're trying to balance on an escalator or an automatic floor walk? Trying to get and stay balanced is a study in comedy. You stay upright, but by the skin of your teeth. My heads hurting, buzzing as if a surge of ticcing is coming today so if I sound slightly static-y or as if I'm coming on and ...

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From the Panchatantra: Rabbit fools Elephant by showing the reflection of the moon

The work of art depicted in this image and the reproduction thereof are in the public domain worldwide. The reproduction is part of a collection of reproductions compiled by The Yorck Project. The compilation copyright is held by Zenodot Verlagsgesellschaft mbH and licensed under the GNU Free Documentation License.

How To Eat An Elephant

Sometimes the brain gets so many signals that, like a computer being given too many keystroke commands, it convulses then seizes up. I think panic is like that, in a sense. Adrenaline sends too many signals, too fast, to the brain and it overwhelms the animal; it doesn't know how to untangle it, it freezes. I think we do that in greater or lesser ways in elsewhere in our lives. Right now, it's eaking out as procrastination for me. No. Procrastination denotes laziness. It's simply massive confusion; not knowing which foot to place where next in an overwhelmingly intricate dance ...

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Fonthill Mansion ~ by Peter Miller on Flickr (  https://www.flickr.com/photos/pmillera4/)  Creative Commons License 
Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.0 Generic (CC BY-NC-ND 2.0)

Memories Like Molasses

When I was in third grade, we lived in an apartment complex called Fonthill next to the woods in Doylestown, Bucks County in eastern Pennsylvania. While the apartment complex, at that time, in the mid-1970's was like many other nice brick complexes, when I remember it, there is a mix of memories both sweet and sulfuric, like molasses. It was there that more abuses went on, new ones occurred and paradoxically, fairy tales started in my head to enjoy. There began to be tools for riding away, thin at first, but robust and heady as they grew. The stories, the ...

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Dave Pokes Lava by  David Galvan -  Creative Commons License 
Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.0 Generic (CC BY-NC-ND 2.0) - https://www.flickr.com/photos/dgalvan/55108471/

Great Balls of Fire

PTSD and CPTSD is a bastard that doesn't play by any rules, street or otherwise. It's an arbitrary opportunist. What ever weakness will be used to gain footing for a possible episode, whether it be sickness, excitement of any kind, change, "sounds like" moments, or the unraveling of memories - digging into the past. Having multiple issues can mean constant fissures to be danced around like cracks in a volcanic mountain or terrain to avoid mis-stepping into dangerous areas. (The word triggers, triggering, etcetera are so used now I think they may have lost their meaning so I'm going to intersperse ...

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Starry, Starry Night

"I mean, you do realize that you are not a good person because you pity fuck the sick girl, right?" ~ Maggie Murdock,  Love and Other Drugs  That's a great flick that I'll never admit I like and I wish I could watch it all the way through and not just in pieces. It's too true and too much of a lie. It's too achingly real and too frighteningly hopefully and unrealistic at the end and full of shit and pisses me off. I hate them for making it, but I secretly look for it and watch it in small, furtive mouthfuls. ...

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Out Of Control by Willian Heinrich on Flickr ~ Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-NC-SA 2.0) ~ http://www.flickr.com/photos/antanith/4165003899/in/photostream/

Hysteria

You know in the movies where people break down and go mad, both crying and laughing hysterically at the same time? That can really happen. I didn't know that until I actually did it yesterday. I couldn't stop. The more I tried, the more I laughed. The more I laughed, the more I sobbed because it was mad, absolutely mad and there was no way out. I'm trapped like a rat. My life has been one beautiful up, then three ridiculously funny, cartoonishly, movie-like downs. One hopeful crescendo, then some unreal, comedic, almost out of this world failure. You can't make this shit up. This ...

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It's Good To Be Good

" I paid my phone bill." I said with my chin in the air proudly. The circle of people at the table clapped for me and there was a sprinkling of  understated hoots and yes'es and way-to-go'es ... people spoke as the meeting continued, most commented on my share and gave me praise on my new-found responsibility and maturity for being a functioning member of society since getting sober and clean, living in my own place and paying my own bills that were in my name. Until it got to my "mentor" "Big fuckin' deal." she said evenly. "You're doing what everyone in ...

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Welcome and an F.Y.I.

Hey, just a "Hi" from me, Chrissy, a.k.a. "E.G.", The Excitable Gurelle.

There is often cursing here and I don't really apologize for it. This is where I discuss my take on mental health and it isn't necessarily everyones opinion or the one you need in your life.

Please read the disclaimer and commenting guidelines. I want this to be something you can use and maybe participate in, too.

Much love and I'm honored you came to visit.

E.G.

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