Lizz was freaking out again in the supermarket. The woman behind me whispered to the friend next to her “That brat needs a whooping”. I felt the hackles rise on my neck and I didn’t know who I was more upset with, the woman behind me or my kid. Crying and breaking down wasn’t an option, but I was so close.

I didn’t know what was wrong, didn’t know why Lizz was always angry, defiant, unable to sleep like others, often did bizarre or hard to understand things and had imaginary friends by the handfuls.

I didn’t know Bipolar is hereditary and that children could have it.

You see, I was the different kid, too. Walking around at night while everyone else slept, vacillating between sunshiny and outgoing to painfully withdrawn with a temper that was frightening and thinking deep thoughts like “Why are we here?” and “Does any of this matter?” was my daily life. Art and reading were my outlets. Being a loner, hyper sexual while very young and taught to not talk about things led me to being sexually, emotionally and physically abused. I stopped doing home work in fourth grade and my first suicide attempt was the following year. This was all unnoticed, or rather, not regarded as alarming. My confusing behavior frustrated teachers who would become angry, often lashing at me personally. In fairness, many didn’t know about my insomnia, suicidal acts or day dreams. No one knew most of what went on inside me and parents weren’t urged to get to know their kids back then. My mother and step father had their own issues to worry about and four other kids besides me. I was deeply ashamed of many of the symptoms so wouldn’t have spoken about them even if able to do so and didn’t know how to make them go away.

I only knew that I was damaged beyond repair, I was a freak, different and bad. I was broken, missing a chip.

I began drinking consciously to get drunk and soon drugs followed. It was the one time I felt out of myself, protected, without worry. Every thing dangerous, crazy and frightening that could happen, did happen during this span. By the time I was eighteen the damage from the dangerous lifestyle and addiction led me to a bottom that drove me to get sober under the lash of alcohol. It was frightening and I still have nightmares about it. I never want to have to get clean again. Once was a gift, I don’t have a second time in me.

I began therapy at 19 years old spending the next 13 years believing that if I accepted the diagnosis of Bipolar and began taking medications it would nullify my sobriety-clean time. It kept me sick a long, long time. Fueling my self-hatred were the continued cycles and behavior I couldn’t understand, let alone control.

Unable to take the depths of despair, the insomnia, the chaotic twining thinking and all, I dragged myself to my doctor and confessed the pain I was living in daily. I accepted my diagnosis and began to truly live.

By now, Lizz was born and she was her own child with none like her. She slept little, unless given long baby massage, which would allow a few hours of sleep. Her temper was wild, her antics over the edge frightening. I felt, as my mother used to say, like a mother hen who had hatched a duckling. I had to stand on the edge of the pond and watch her flounder in the lake. She wasn’t diagnosed until 10 years old.

Lizz has pediatric Bipolar, also.

Her outlook and prognosis, however, is the complete opposite of mine and those of my generation. She has hope that wasn’t there for us. She has value to those who reach out to her. She, and other children, teens and young adults have something very powerful in their corner today; The Balanced Mind Foundation.

Previously named The Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation, The Balanced Mind Foundation is all about young people with mood disorders. I first discovered them during my foray into understanding what my childhood had held. The information available there is freely given, with no strings attached. It is up to date, striking and steadfast. There is no hype, no special diet ads, no unrealistic hope, advice, outlooks or statements. With Lizz’s diagnoses I became more openly involved online, trying to find as much information as available on the internet. I kept being led back to their work and website.

There is no other focus at the Foundation. It IS children, teens and young twenty somethings. There are forums, there are podcasts (I like to play those around Liz so she doesn’t have to act like she went looking for them…part of my evil plan. Now she knows having Bipolar isn’t freakish or odd.), there is medical information. Reading other parents issues, trials, tribulations and what worked or helps them, even if I don’t get involved, has allowed me to feel less isolated and alone. To see so many other families of children affected by a mood disorders get educated, get emotionally fed, get information, be treated as sane, rational and capable people is overwhelmingly emotional for me. Hearing and reading the stories of young people who have the same issues as I did and yet so much more understanding of themselves and their biochemical differences is awe-inspiring. Flipswitch Teens is the section just for the teens and  young adults and focuses on them; knowing themselves, their disorders, their needs and how to self advocate.

The staff and volunteers at TBMD are incredible. They have a heart for what they do. None of the work or the time spent is without a true desire to change the lives and prognosis of children who would otherwise be cast aside and minimized by society. I have had wonderful conversations with some and am always grateful for their honesty, concern and direction.

I ask and hope that you will go to The Balanced Mind Foundation and really look around, Educated yourself about Bipolar Disorder and other mood disorders. Try to understand what the children and families live with daily. Watch the interactions and listen to the podcasts and talks at Flipswitch Teens. Celebrate the work and focus given freely.

If you are able, if you’re inclined, all donations are used for the kids and greatly appreciated. Please support them in any way you are able. Follow them on Twitter ( here and here ) and Like them on Facebook, too.

 To The Balanced Mind Foundation:

Thank you for seeing the value in our children and for being a light in a very dark place. Thank you for helping our kids learn to self advocate, use self-care and begin to have hope to be autonomous in their future. I am forever grateful.